The Falsie Craze…

So you know I’m not a girlie girl. I’m just not.

But…

I wear makeup every day. I do my hair in some form every day. I don’t leave my house in sweat pants. These things are important to me.

But I just don’t get the new falsies thing… and I mean eyelashes here, not boobs. That’s a different blog post all together. So let’s discuss shall we?

Why?

Would you get these? Don’t you just spend literally the whole day worried about your eyelashes coming off? I mean there is wind, there is crying, there is just taking your sunglasses off. Nevermind if your mask gets stuck on that fucker, it’s going to fly into your friends coffee six feet away…

I have a hard enough time if I grow my fingernails long once a year at Christmas. I am always worried that one of those bitches will break off, or that I nearly just poked my eye out on the way by my face. Eyelashes are way more to worry about.

Your eyelids would be exhausted by the end of the day, it’s like having big boobs on your face. Only they are lashes.

And what DO you do if one falls off? Do you carry spares in case of an emergency? Do you play it cool like you meant to do that? Do you make up a story that caterpillars attacked your face on the way to work and then one took off and now you have to nurture the other one for the day?

I don’t get it.

It feels like it would be too hard to pull off. Exhausting even.

And honestly, we all know they aren’t real. We all think you would be one sexy biatch without those big caterpillars living on your lids. We all think maybe you shouldn’t be ingesting the glue that is going into the most sensitive part of your body to hold those things on your face.

And you know we know right?

I’m not saying you shouldn’t do it. Free choice and all that…

I’m just saying no. It’s a bad look. It’s too much work. I mean why do you want to look like one of those dolls from 1964? And what the fuck would you even do if your eye got stuck closed like those dolls always did? Can you just stick your finger in there and it flips back to good? Or will that lash end up in your salad?

The possibility of things going wrong is huge.

It just feels like a risk and a look I am not equipped to handle. I think I’m better off putting four coats of Mascara on to get a big lash thing happening. My big is obviously different than other peoples on a few different levels…At least they stay on my face and I won’t find one in my soup.

And I’m sorry. If you wear falsies of any kind, I don’t mean to hurt your feelings. You are 200% more committed to this girl thing than I am. And of course, you can bloody well do whatever you think is groovy. Because girl power. I just had to put this out there, as well as the wish that this look disappears like Ugg boots and Shoulder Pads…

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