I wasn’t sure how to start this post…Do I start where I remember? Do I start from the beginning? How much should I actually say out loud? Do I start at all? Does anyone even care? I am pretty good at procrastinating when something is hard for me. Or uncomfortable. Or if I feel like I will be too vulnerable. Baring my soul is a little like running around naked at 56. It feels like something I just shouldn’t do. Even if only because for so long we have been told to hold down our truth and just be normal. Well this is my normal, and dude…it has no filter.
So I decided to just start writing. I don’t even know what kind of crazy shit is going to come out of a blog until I start typing it. This I know for sure, just start.
The past weekend, I spent time going through old pictures. It’s amazing the things we forget, and the just as quickly remember when there is some small snippet to remind you of a memory forgotten.
I remember as a kid, I loved to be alone. I was always happiest when I was making up a brew in my Nana’s old house (which was a tiny little cottage off my grandparents house. I was sure I would live there forever) I had everything I could ever need in that little house. I was happy feeding the neighborhood my daisy soup.
The funny part about that now is…I live in a tiny house making brews. I am happy alone, and I still talk to myself. And I am literally across the road from the farm I grew up on. Like, I can see it.
I love music. Always have. I don’t ever remember not having music in my life. And I have always danced like no one is watching. When I was young, Go-go dancers were everywhere. I wanted to be one sooo bad. I wanted to be beautiful like my Mom and dancing in a cage. Oh yes I did. I danced all the time and sang for anyone that would listen. I did and still do know the word to every single song of every single genre that I have ever loved. I have always been a country girl. Only when I was a teenager did I stray from country music, but I came back to it in my early twenties. I still sing at the top of my lungs and dance like I’m the only one there. Mostly…because I am the only one there, thanks Covid.
I was a horrible teenager. Gonna own that right here. And because it is my blog and I can do what I want, we aren’t gonna talk about it. I just apologize to everyone. For whatever.
My happy place has always been with my bare feet on the ground. I don’t care what ground, as long as I don’t have to wear shoes. I have been hanging up logging roads and getting my shit together at the beach…MY WHOLE LIFE. This makes perfect sense as I am Capricorn. Body of a goat, tail of a fish, a sea goat. Get it? It’s all becoming a little clearer…
I have always felt awkward. I was super skinny growing up. People told me to eat, my. whole. life. Just for the record. I did eat, a lot. I was a teenager. Duh. I was not anorexic, or bulimic. I was just bloody skinny. I have said this before and I will say it again, it’s just as hurtful for people to tell you that you are underweight as it is to tell people they are overweight. Mind your own damn business, you have no idea what you are doing to that little girl or boy’s self esteem when they can’t just be happy in their body the way it is. I have spent my whole life uncomfortable in my own skin because I listened to other peoples insecurities about me.
I still see it all the time with the young girls I work with. They are told they have too many tattoos, they are too loud, too shy, too skinny, not skinny enough, they aren’t trying hard enough. Guess what, it’s how we learn. We get bad tattoos, we pick the wrong boys, the wrong friends, party too hard or not at all…that is what finding yourself is all about. No one else can make those choices for you good or bad.
I am so lucky to still have both of my parents. They are both two of my very favourite people on this planet. They still give me advice. The difference is, now I actually listen. Sometimes I take the advice, sometimes I do what I want anyway, because I’m still learning. I am indeed still getting tattoos, still dating the wrong boys and for a change not partying at all, because I get to decide who I want to be.
Some days I am that 10 year old little girl sitting in the sun with my whole life ahead of me. Some days I am the 56 year old woman I really am looking back on the amazing lesson filled life I have lived so far, I try not to regret anything I have done. I have done many things, and not nearly enough. I try to feel the joy and awe that the ten year old me felt at the smallest things, every day.
Learn to treat your lessons like the gold they are. Learn stuff everyday. And remember that the journey is what we are here for. All the material shit won’t do you any good when you are dead. Be that little girl. Remember the joy that giving your Grandma a bowl of English daisy soup gave you. Try any remember the dreams and hopes you had as a kid. Did you make them come true? Are they still your dreams or where they pushed aside because the world said that it wasn’t okay to be a Go-Go dancer?
It doesn’t matter what the world thinks about you, friends. All that matters is that you find that happy you. That weird you. That skinny little girl that just wanted people to think she was awesome just the way she was. You can be anyone you want to be. You have to be authentic and truthful to yourself. And then just go for it. Follow your dreams…