Dear whoever dates me next…

I thought maybe there should be a warning that comes with the single me at this point of 2020. Now don’t get me wrong, I am not really making an effort to be dating material right now, because…well 2020.

I have optimism for 2021, but it’s still pretty guarded and somewhat hesitant at this point in the game. But just in case you want to move closer, and by that I mean stay six feet away from me, here is what you can expect.

I have gathered some cats. They are my tribe. Don’t fuck with them, or me…they will cut you. Also good luck finding a spot in my bed, half of the time I have about three inches of allowed space.

Get ready to fatten up. I have been cooking for myself, having someone to cook for will turn me into the mad chef. You will eat, and if you like baking, you know, stuff that neither of us should eat at our age, I’m your girl.

You will need to give me some time to get used to not being alone. When I talk, if I am not looking directly at you, I’m probably talking to myself. Get used to it. It’s normal and probably won’t change much with you in the picture. It’s been a long and lonely year, and if I am being honest, I have always done it. It used to drive my old boss insane, which of course made it hilarious, so I did it more.

I am a mad scientist or a witch, you choose. This is not a joke. I make stuff. You will be asked to smell, feel and give your opinion on pretty much everything. Being my boyfriend can be hard.

You must like long walks on the beach, long drives up the mountain, campfires and camping. I am a cliché, but it is just what I do. Fit in. Oh, and I also like fishing just in case that’s an option. I also hug trees. Like literally if I see a tree I like, I’ll hug that bitch. A year with no contact is hard, I do what I can. That also probably won’t change.

If you are addicted to online dating, I am probably not the girl for you. There is just no way I can compete with the inter-webs right now.

If you like skinny girls, keep moving, also refer to the paragraph above about fattening up…I have one word. Quarantine.

So if you’re interested, let’s talk. No I mean it, that is really all that’s gonna happen until this year is a fart in the wind…here’s to 2021 being just around the bend🥂

 

4 thoughts on “Dear whoever dates me next…

  1. I’d say the man who is lucky enough to find himself in your 2021 life will recognize you as a quality, caring person and I’d wager he will do his best to let you know you are special. Cuz if he doesn’t, he won’t last. You’re better than that.

    I get the cat thing. I’m pussy whipped and not ashamed to admit it. But, you need a dog to balance out the tribe.

    Food is never a bad thing. Skinny is not sexy, nor healthy. A night beneath the stars beats a night under a ceiling, sandwiched between walls. Trees need hugs just like people do. They can be just as sappy, ya know.

    Oh, and he’s gotta love country music, enjoy quiet evenings by the fire and love to work on vehicles.

    And each and every time he will open the door for you. Not because you can’t handle opening a door or making an entrance, but because its just the right thing to do.

    Your guy is out there. He may have been there all along.

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  2. Nice column, and good cover if someone doesn’t work out (“Hey, look, I *warned* you!”).

    Let’s dig deeper.

    Cooking, awesome, and especially if we start with the sausage rolls you posted the other day. Mmmm.

    Talking to yourself… Don’t worry, I wouldn’t hear everything, especially if I wondered if it might be a task for me. :)

    Camping… Isn’t that what you’re required to put in a dating profile but not *actually* do. Hiking is fine, but you mean you actually want to go lie in/near a tent to become a tasty snack for bugs and bears? No, that’s what glamorous 5-star wilderness resorts are for. Geez.

    I see you neglected to mention geography. You looked at a map of Canada and asked yourself what is the most awkward place to get to, and settled down there.

    Your great way with words and big heart matters though. Be positive! … SD

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