I’ve been thinking…

Mostly that is dangerous, sometimes though, once and a while. Maybe not. As you surely all know, my house has been on the market since last summer. As you also all know, it hasn’t sold yet.

I am a true believer in everything happening as it should happen, at this point in my life I don’t question the Universe or how things work out. I know they are always the way they should be.

This morning my friend Lou posted a blog, where she explained having a uh-huh moment. One where suddenly things become clear to you, in an instant. It got me thinking…and then…

I had one too.

I was looking online this morning at MLS and houses in Maple Ridge. I have been torn between renting and buying again. There is absolutely no way I can afford to buy anything in Vancouver.

I also started thinking, I want a simpler life. I don’t want to have to work 60 hours a week to pay my mortgage or my rent, I don’t want to spend and hour in rush hour everyday to get to work and back.

It then occurred to me that, maybe, just maybe I am not ready for city life full time, and I also have reservations about doing that to my son, who has always been in a small friendly town.

So all along, I have been the one holding it all back…me.

I was puttering around my yard, when it occurred to me that as much as it seemed like a great idea almost a year ago, I have had reservations about it. I thought about moving back to my hometown at first and then put the idea out of my head, even though if felt right to me.

As I was sitting out in my yard earlier this morning it just kind of smacked me in the head. Why wouldn’t I move back there? There is one obvious, being that William lives in Vancouver. I think we could really make it work with me in Gibsons, his Dad lives there too, and we need to spend more time with him, actually his Dad lives about a five minute drive from my parents :) It is only a half hour ferry ride, rather than a two hour one, and about an hour drive from Bill’s to the ferry, no drive on the other side, and you only have to pay ONE WAY. After what we have been doing for the last year, it is easy.

I am not sure where I would live, whether I would rent or eventually buy there, but I feel safe thinking about it. I didn’t really feel that when I thought about living in Vancouver. It is totally possible that I can find something there that will be affordable to me, so I can still have a job like the one I have now, and have time to do all the things I love instead of working all the time.

It wouldn’t have to be forever, but for now, it might be the right thing. Colton would be in a school that is maybe even a little smaller than the one he is in now, it is a town I know and have lived in for a lot of my life. The people I love are all close. My parents being close when I move Colton, will have a big impact on how he deals with it, I think. I have not talked to him about this yet. I know he doesn’t want to move at all, but it would be a good life there, I could have Hannah over too, even without her Dad :)

It is funny, since I have had my little epiphany, I have had three cars drive by, and stop to look at my house. It might just be a long weekend thing, I suppose. Or maybe not. It doesn’t really matter I guess, if I am making the right decision it will sell. I am removing all the blockages that I have had in my mind up until today.

So as I sit on my porch in the country, with my dog and my cat, with the hummingbirds fighting for a drink not even 10 feet from where I sit, with the neighbour’s kids playing in the sprinkler and screaming at the top of their lungs (because it is May, and even though it is a nice day, I imagine it’s cold) with the stellar jays squawking at us, for no apparent reason…

I think maybe this is the life I still want, maybe the big city isn’t ready for me yet. I can have the life I want…one that I am free to do all the things I have ever imagined doing, with the man I want to spend the rest of it with. I just think maybe my plan wasn’t all figured out yet, maybe it still isn’t, but my soul feels at peace when I think about it. I know myself well enough to know, that in my life, that is the cue to me that maybe the decision I thought was the right one, isn’t necessarily the path I am supposed to be on.

My parents don’t know I am thinking about this either, actually no one does but William. I am just putting it out there, to see how it feels.

So far, today, right now, this second. It feels good, and right and happy. I almost feel relieved, and more than I have for a long time, I feel safe.

Safe with knowing, that I am making a really big change in both of our lives, and that I am doing it for all the right reasons…and it will work for all of us, to make our lives richer being with our families, our parents and each other. It might not be conventional, but that has never seemed to work for me anyways, so maybe I need to just go with my gut this time and do what makes me feel the way I do right now.

Thanks Lou…for making me think, for being brave and strong in your own growing and learning to nurture and love yourself, for being a new friend that I am truly glad to have found.

Thanks William, for loving me, no matter what I do, or what incredibly insane path I take, I know you are there beside me, for the duration…I love you beyond words for that…

Thanks to the Universe, for just letting me be here…what an amazing gift.

14 thoughts on “I’ve been thinking…

  1. Sounds like you’re definitely on the right track, things always seem to open up when we make the right decisions. It’s wonderful that you’re listening to your inner self, it never leads us astray. I’ve always found it wrong to push it aside in my life. Best of luck with your new adventure!

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  2. I also loved this post. The fact that you feel at peace with your choice says it all.

    That sense of peace is how really why my husband and I committed to each other. We feel comfortable, safe and a whole lot of other things when we are together. So despite the battle we faced, we know we have made the right choice for us.

    Too often in life we ignore our inner voice or feelings. We look too much at “I should because” type stuff and actually end up working against ourselves.

    I’m glad you are listening to your inner being.

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  3. How old is the son still living with you? You had mentioned he didn’t want to move. Well, why would he…if he’s in highschool, he’d have to make new friends, etc. Maybe there’s a girl he likes? My mom moved us in 4th grade and that was fairly easy…however, I couldn’t have imagined starting over in Jr. High or High School! I would have been devestated.

    Can you wait a few years until after graduation? If you can no longer afford your place, then there isn’t really a choice. You mentioned you have to work several hours to meet mortgage. Is your son able to get a part time job and buy his own clothes, etc? My mom did that w/me. She only provided food/room, and once I had a job…I was out eating on my own half the time. She basically just provided me a room to sleep.

    Then when you move, he has the option to go with you or move in with a buddy?

    Sandi
    http://www.ahhsome.wordpress.com
    Lake Forest, California USA

    **We’re planning our trip to Canada. We just got the kids’ passports sent to us last week! Wohoo!
    DATES, we’ll be in the state of Washington on Monday, June 20th with plans to be in BC Monday, June 27th!
    M-W (27th, 28th, 29th) we’ll be in Victoria and then Thrs/Friday in Vancouver. Can you work that into your schedule? Would love to MEET YA!

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    • It is fairly complicated in more than one way, he is kind of a home body…but makes friends easily. I think he will adjust fine. I can’t really afford this house on my own anymore, was ok when mortgage rates were lower, almost getting to the point where I can’t do it now, especially when I am layed off in the winter.

      I will be around that weekend, William will be here too, so we need to plan a trip to Victoria!!! I will get on it, can’t wait!!

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  4. Now that’s the kind of post I want to read. Some kind of substantial understanding that you can sink your teeth into. Yes, I had an A-ha moment, but am still not sure what I need to do with it. Honestly, the only option available just seems to throw in the towel and walk away. Who knows…it might be a step I have to take.
    Of course I don’t know your whole situation, but from what I’ve gathered so far I think you’re probably on the right track. I lived city life for 41 years. And yes, I might be from Iowa, but I lived right across the bridge from Omaha Nebraska, so it was the big city where I came from. I moved out here because I thought I always wanted to live in the country, then hated it almost immediately. I spent a great deal of time the first couple of years I was here commuting back and forth to there, because that’s where my family, friends, and interests were. Maybe just an hour’s drive, but for someone like me whose whole life and everything she needed had been in a five mile radius, an hour seemed forever…and the gas was insane. I finally adapted to the peace, quiet, and slower pace of the country, and today there is no way I could live in the city again. I don’t know what the future holds, and whether months from now I’ll still be here, but I can guarantee wherever I end up it’ll be rural. I don’t think it’s so much that the big city isn’t ready for you, but rather you aren’t really ready for the big city.You had a taste of the sweet life, so why go back to what’s bitter.
    I agree that your house shouldn’t own you, but you own your house. People make the mistake of biting off more than can chew when purchasing a property, and then end up letting the property control their life. We did that. When I think about how much money we’ve put out the last seven years we’ve been here on repairs, my husband commuting to and from work, the utility bills to keep this big, old, drafty farmhouse somewhat comfortable, and all the time my husband has had to waste doing these repairs, shoveling snow from the long drive, and mowing these five acres, that could’ve been better spent doing something else, it almost doesn’t seem worth it. Our house owns us! Honestly, as much as I love this house and property, if I had it to do all over again, it would be somewhere much closer, with less property, and a smaller house that’s well insulated. You can’t enjoy your home or life if where you live is robbing you of that enjoyment. Make good choices. The first way to do that is to follow your instincts. You’re on the right track.
    And I’m really glad to have made a new friend in you too. In the real world I have no doubt we would be an absolute hoot together! :)

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  5. I think you may very well have stumbled upon the answer to what you want from life, and the Universe will start directing things your way to make it all happen. We Muslims don’t believe in coincidences, that everything is in God’s plan. Maybe that’s what this is, the Universe’s plan for you.
    I did like your “tiny” but I’m not in love with bugs. I hope I didn’t insult you.

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