Get it out…before I kill you…

Yes, I said those words out loud, to my doctor, twenty years ago tonight…I didn’t have the baby until the next afternoon.

Can you even imagine what he was thinking as he was delivering my child?? Wow…winner here, poor kid.

But in my own defense…I was a week overdue…165 lbs, yes that was from the starting point of 95lbs…

I was in labour for THREE days…one and a half of that hard…and he still wouldn’t come out.

Breaking my water didn’t work…talking to me nicely didn’t work, me freaking out didn’t work. He liked it in there, and he wasn’t leaving.

They ended up pulling him out with forceps…now I recommend giving birth any other way…it was AWFUL. But he finally entered our world, pink, screaming…with a pointed head.

From the forceps, it’s better now…

Tomorrow is his 20th birthday.

Was it really that long ago? Have we really have come that far? There are days I wonder how we made it, and days I wonder where the time went. Did we really just live through twenty years in what seems like 5 minutes.

I am a lucky Princess, I have amazing kids. All three of them. I don’t see my stepson Zachary much with us living on the Island and him on the Mainland, but hopefully that will change once we move closer.

Dylan is a great kid…

He is kind, thoughtful, loving, funny, respectful and really fun to be with. He has grown up with all the traits of my Dad and my brother, which I am thankful for everyday. There are days I see his father, and many when I see his older brother Zac.

He is a combination of all of the men in my life, in one.

And a little bit of me…

He has my zest for life, he is loud, he is sarcastic.

And he falls in love, head over heels…and wants it back just as strong. We are passionate, and won’t settle for less.

I think that is good, but it will make his life hard. Love can suck…

He is working on the tugboats right now, he has been out, for I think about 2 weeks straight. It makes me stop and think.

About our past, our life since we moved to Campbell River.

My ex… Adam works on the tugs, and the absence of a man that you love because he is out on the water for weeks at a time is a feeling I am all too familiar with.

It is a life that is hard to embrace. For many years, I was ok with it. I made it work. It is hard on a family to have one person gone all the time, and then home briefly, not ever long enough to do everything you want to in the time you have together.

Adam was amazing with both of my children, I met him when they were both small, Colton was 3 and Dylan was 7. He pretty much raised them as his own, and is still a part of their lives. For that I am grateful everyday. Whether he knows that or not.

But sometimes life doesn’t go how you plan it, my loneliness took over, and eventually after much soul searching, counselling  and finally a hard decision, I left the relationship. It took the whole family a long time to get over the break.

I have to admit there are still days I wish it could have been different.

But it would never have changed, and I just couldn’t wake up when I was 50, alone and waiting for a man that was never going to come home off of the water to me…

My kids were grown, but it was still hard for them.

I haven’t always made the best decisions as a parent, but I have tried my hardest.

I never want them to live in a situation that is misery. It is better to be apart and alone, than in a situtation that is sad.

I hope I have taught them at least that.

I hope I haven’t taught them to run.

Through our lives together, I have always made them understand that happy and love is the most important thing.

Even if I haven’t always been able to keep it…

I want them to know that family rules over everything else…nothing in this life is as important…

Not work, not money, not stuff…

It’s love…

And I hope that they all know how much I love them.

How grateful I am to have them as my children, how blessed we all are to have the crazy, amazing, dysfunctional family that we have.

Just don’t tell them, that their birthdays make me cry…

That every year that passes, I  know that one by one, they will go out into the world and make a life for themselves, where I can’t protect them from the bad stuff, or make them tell me where they are every minute of the day…

I know they have to go…

I am just not ready.

It has only been five mintues…not twenty years.

Happy Birthday baby boy…I love you so much more than I ever thought possible, and I can’t imagine life without your humor and love…

Peace ♥ Out…

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29 thoughts on “Get it out…before I kill you…

  1. I love hearing stories from real moms, cause you guys were there at the very beginning, where I just jumped in in the middle. No doubt about it: being apart takes a toll on a relationship. I was on the road for five years and can’t count the number of marriages/relationships I saw break up because of that. What a gift that you made the right choice for you, and a great example to show your kids. Happy birthday to the kiddo!

  2. I cried. I haven’t always made the best decision in the past as a parent either. Do any of us get it 100% right? I doubt it! Like you, I wish some of my earlier life could have been different. But then, if my earlier life had turned out different, I wouldn’t have met my husband. So we can’t have our cake and eat it too.

  3. You have a great relationship with your boys Donna, and as parents we couldn’t ask for anything more. We bring them up the best way we can at the time and hope that they grow into happy, well adjusted adults; seems you are on the right track with them! Thanks for sharing.
    Happy Birthday Dylan! x

  4. You are absolutely right, in a blink of an eye they are grown up and eager to get out on their own. Of course, everything changes when they go. It also stays the same. My boys are both in their 30’s now, with families of their own and let me tell you–they’re still my babies. And I’ve had the joy of holding the child of my child. It is an awesome feeling. It’ll be OK Mom. Happy Birthday to your son!

  5. Life is a bitch, it makes us say good bye to those that we love, always, albeit in many forms… when somebody dies, when we have to let somebody go, when our children fly away to their own nest.. This post made me think.
    And I must admit, that was a big decision with Adam, I can imagine very difficult one…

  6. Donna Mrs RP, That is so beautiful and so sad. Thank you so much for sharing those feeling with us.
    i know exactly what you mean about time flying past. My eldest daughter is 53 this year and my youngest 38, .And yes it is very painful when they leave home to do their own thing, but as a Mother you have to let go. They will make their own mistakes, have the same broken relationships and feel that they are the only person in the world who ever felt like that. As long as you are there for support and to help them through the mess..they will survive..just as you have done.

    love P

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