How to traumatize your kids…in ten easy steps

Last night I went out for a couple of drinks with three of my closet friends, and we started talking about the crazy shit we have done to our kids. I mean not on purpose, well usually not, but you know, that things that happen when you aren’t expecting it, and the reaction and snowball effect some of those things will have…

And now…twenty years later…it’s funny. Like really funny, like I was crying the whole conversation I was laughing so hard funny.

I might need to add a disclaimer here…our kids are all grown up now, well past 15 anyways…so we didn’t do toooo much damage.

Our first story begins with Kat, she is married to my tattoo artist Jacques. They are two of the funniest people I know, and I love them to death :) And I am not just saying that cause he stabs me with a needle on a regular basis….really.

Kat was very young when she had her first baby, 17.  At the time of this adventure she was living with her best friend who also had a kid, the babies were small, I can’t remember how old, but not very, like around 2 or 3ish. One night they are watching a movie, Friday the 13th, you have to know where this is going….

The babies were supposed to be asleep, but as three years olds do, they didn’t stay in bed like the Mommies thought they did, they had snuck down the hall, to see what the mommies were doing. They walked into the room right as Jason in the mask was doing something Jasonish…

There was screaming and scared little children….now that could be the end of the story, but it’s not.

Kat and her friend stumbled upon the knowledge, that if the kids didn’t do what they were told, the threat of Jason in the mask worked pretty good…messed up, yes. Effective, absolutely. So occasionally the reminder would be put out there…behave.

Now I am not really clear on how the next part came about, and it really isn’t funny, ok, now it is….but then, I am sure the kids were scared shitless….and Kat HAS to know, that the little girl she scared the hell out of, is gonna pay her back when she is changing mommies diaper later in life, you KNOW, she hasn’t forgotten this..

Their friend came over with a goalie mask on…and went running by the window really fast, past a room where the kids were playing…so you can imagine the screaming and mayhem that ensued…of course Kat and her friend were laughing so hard, they were barely able to maintain…the children now traumatized forever.

Then a while later, they were going for a walk to the store, the kids were all set up on their tricycles…happy to go for a burn to the store, when a hockey game appeared on the road…and ya, the kid in goal….had a mask on. Again screaming babies…in public, on the road. Hahahahah….I KNOW I shouldn’t laugh, but damn.

Her story far outdoes mine in the demented department…

When my son was about 4 years old, we used to always go to the pond at the Holiday Inn in Chilliwack, now by pond I mean man made lake. It was and is still HUGE. There are huge coy and lots and lots of turtles in the pond. We had turtles for pets for years, so my son was always excited about the walk around to check out all the really big turtles, and I had told him that one day, our turtle could live there when he was too big for our tank. His name was Finnegan…he was an awesome turtle.

So one cloudy day, my best friend at the time, Shelley and I had taken our kids to the pond, they were being restless and we figured it would wear them out a little, her daughter was maybe a year or two younger than my son. So we walk up to the railing, and I notice a sign now posted on it, that I have never noticed before. It said, Please do not let your children put their head between rail. I look to my friend, shaking my head in disbelief…”why would anyone’s kid stick their damn head in the rails?”….I had no sooner got the words out of my mouth when we hear, “Mommmm”, I look over my shoulder….and noooooooo wayyyyyyyy….my kid, has his fucking head stuck in the railing….now I know, I should have done something to help him, but I couldn’t. As soon as I saw him I started laughing, like I still do every single time I picture it…like right now. Now I am not talking a baby laugh, I am talking hold your stomach and try to stay standing laughing….nothing has ever been that funny to me before or since that day….I was useless to try and get him out…

Now I am sure when your head is stuck between a railing and all you can hear is your mom laughing her ass off, and her friend doing the same…it could be a little disturbing. He probably thought he was going to be there forever, it probably felt like forever.

Eventually we maintain, well no we don’t, but we realize we have to get him out, even in our hilarity…I try to pull him out…he is stuck. I know I should be disturbed now, but I laugh harder. I really cannot maintain. I am crying at this point, and I know my kid is worried….but my laughing fit is out of control and as wrong as I know it is, I CANNOT STOP. Finally my girlfriend and I team up, she pulls one rail, I pull the other, I grab him by the tshirt and pull him out.

And laugh even harder.  Now he is pissed, mostly because he was probably scared shitless, and his Mom is laughing. So he storms off about 10 feet away, arms crossed, mad as hell…

I laugh harder still….I have no control. It gets funnier to me everytime I tell the story…he doesn’t think so, still.  I know I will have payback for that one day in a big way. But damn, it was one of the funniest moments of my life, and I have had a few.

So those were the two big stories of the night….

I was thinking randomly what else have I done, that I am sure has made them cringe in disbelief that they landed with me as their Mom…hahahahha…I came up with the following.

Running around the house naked. They didn’t mind this as small children…at all. They even played along. I couldn’t even KEEP clothes on my kids in the summer, and I have the video to prove it. Now, they groan, cover their eyes and scream at me to put some clothes on…they are totally cramping my style.

Facebook….I am addicted. They are probably embarrassed…my one son used it as a tool to hurt my feelings when I pissed him off, and deleted me from his friend list. He just added me recently again. Mostly because I bribed him with a game I play…and he never goes on there anyways…he just wanted me to shut up about him deleting me.

When their friends think I am hot…hahahahahahaha….tooo freaking funny, and totally disgusting to them, especially when their friends want to be my friend on Facebook. Double the fun :)

Me saying I think a girl is hot…they have no idea how to process it…none.

Me buying something good to eat…and not sharing it. Paybacks a bitch bitches….that reminds me of a funny story about Artichoke dip…and then I will stop for today, I promise.

We had a girls night spa party at my house in November, with all the girls I work with. As always we had too much food. I had made Artichoke dip, and had enough to make two of them. So I had left the one in the fridge, not baked yet. The next day, I had come home from downtown and my oldest is having a feast of the leftovers downstairs. I look at the layout and say to him…you know that the Artichoke dip that you have consumed a quarter of, is not cooked right? He says oh…but it is delicious. I take it away from him, and tell him I will bake it and call him when it was ready.

It smells delicious as it is baking, and I realized I have not eaten yet…AND….I have some wheat thins stashed in the cupboard. So Artichoke dip ready and crackers in hand, I am just gonna eat a little bit before I give it back to him. 10 minutes later, he comes up stairs, “that smells amazing” he says, “is it ready?” Oh….hehhehehe….well, um. It was. He looks at the table in front of me. WHAT??? He is in total disbelief that the bowl that used to have the Artichoke dip in it is totally empty…and the crackers are gone. I try to explain, I was a little hungry, and I thought I better test it for him…it just got a little out of control is all….

he calls me a bad mother, and goes back down to the man den…shaking his head.

But seriously…what’s the point in having them, if you can’ t mess ’em up a little?

And really, feel free to add your funny stories, you know you have one, or maybe two :)


13 thoughts on “How to traumatize your kids…in ten easy steps

  1. Hi RNP I laughed out loud when I read about your kids head getting stuck in the railings. I have twins and they are very competitive even from when they could crawl. When they were about 4 years old we took them to the woods and someone had set up 2 rope swings across this huge ditch with muddy water and leaves in. (The ditch had steeply sloping sides) Before I could utter a word of caution – the twins, spotting the ropes raced towards them, grabbed them and launched them selves across the ditch to the other side. Unfortunately, one of the twin 1’s rope was to long and he smacked full pelt into the bank and bounced back into this great muddy puddle. Nothing broken except his pride, I laughed till I cried much to the amazement of passers by. :) I feel mean now, but as twins they were always in mischief.


  2. My father did something similar when I was about 6 or 7. My sister (who is 5 years older then me) just had me watch the horror movies “Dolls” and “Child’s Play” with Chuckie. My father asked me to go outside for some reason, and when I was in the front of the house he threw, from the second story window, a cabbage patch type doll with a butter knife taped to it’s hand…

  3. The one with the Jason mask is really awful. Not funny. I feel bad for the kids.

    Now your child getting his head stuck between the rails, that’s pretty funny! I think I would have laughed too.

    I can’t think of anything really awful that my parents did to me. Also, my mother is on facebook. I rejected her at first, but we are friends on there now.

    • well the kids are fine now….and I think she kinda felt bad too. But it was 20 years ago, and she admitted, no one should have kids when they are that young, you are bound to mess them up. My mom still won’t add me on facebook…she just doesn’t want to know :) It’s probably best.

  4. The whole reason I HAD a kid was to mess with his head. Of course, in your story with the railing, it was a little more literal.

    Hell, whatever. They can work it all out on therapy later.

  5. Well I have to admit, I don’t think I have ever traumatized my daughter. Maybe because it was done to me all the time when I was a kid. hehehe ;-)

    They will get you back one day. You know that right?

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