The doll in the yard…

When I was about 6 years old, we lived on a piece of property, that was on the bottom of the property that my parents once again live on. Get it? Make sense?

Let me explain.

My parents and my brother and I had a small lovely little house on Henry Road, at the time the road was dirt. Two minutes walk up the little dirt road lived my grandparents (Marybelle and Fred) and my Nana, they were my Dad’s folks and Granny.

About a twenty minute drive away lived my other grandparents, my Mom’s Mom (Anne) and her husband Ken, who was my Mom’s step dad…

Are you keeping up?

We lived there until I was in grade 4, we then moved to a bigger house about 20 minutes away from there to a place called Langdale.

My parents lived in that house until my Grandad passed away about 23 years ago. They then sold their house and built a house on the property between my Grandparents house and the house we used to live in…that is where they are now.

Ok, now that we sort of have that straight, lets go back to the olden days…

I was 6, I remember playing out in the yard, we were underneath the picnic table…when you are a wee kid, it makes an awesome fort…

Now I am assuming being typical kids on a summers day, we had stuff strewn about everywhere, not a surprising thing with a 6 year old and a 4 year old right?

My Grandma Anne and Ken came for a visit, and of course we dropped what we were doing and went running for hugs…

Pretty normal stuff…

I don’t remember the in between bits, I assume they stayed for a visit, smoked in our non smoker house and probably had a drink or five and then as they were getting ready to leave, my Grandma walked past my favorite doll laying in the grass, picked her up and said to me…

“If you aren’t going to look after this doll I am taking her home.”

I remember asking her to please leave her, I had just left her there because we were playing. She was having none of it…off she went with my doll.

So let me just interject here, that I had an amazing childhood, my family was amazing and we loved each other to the ends of the earth.

Sadly they have all passed away, except for my parents, my Mom has three brothers that are all fine and well, only one of which she ever sees. Her family was fairly broken up after the divorce.

My Dad’s sister whom I adored, died very young from cancer when my oldest son was just a tiny infant.

My Grandma Anne spent a lot of her life making her husband Ken miserable. I mean she had her moments where she was at least tolerable to the rest of the world, but she nagged poor Ken to death on his deathbed, she died fairly shortly after he did. Probably from lack of anyone to torment, I am sure she is nagging him in hell.

I am not saying that I didn’t love her, but as an adult I realized just how miserable some people can be in life.

I used to clean their house for them for a couple of years after I got divorced.

I couldn’t believe when I went into her bedroom and lo and behold, there was my doll. Seriously.

I went home to my Mom and told her that she still had it after all of these years…I couldn’t believe she had kept it.

Grandma Anne helped me through a tough time in those last years, she bought my wedding rings from me for more than I would have ever gotten anywhere else, and she wore them and enjoyed them too…it really helped me out when things were near poverty level for me, (she willed them back to me when she died) I was so grateful for my family’s help during that time in my life. She was wonderful with my kids, more so than I remember her being with us. Mind you take away too much alcohol and add 20 years. Stuff changes.

She died years ago now, I never did ask her why she kept my doll.

My Mom asked me if there was anything I wanted after she died…

I said yep…I want my doll back.

So maybe she did me a favor, cause now I have a doll from my childhood I never would have had otherwise.

Even though as a child it broke my heart when she drove out of my driveway with my favorite baby in her car…

Sometimes you have to let go of the childhood memories and try and remember the good stuff. I often wonder why I held onto the anger I had over her taking that doll from me, but I did for years, into adulthood…

Such a wasted emotion, and maybe, just maybe if I had asked her why she had taken it, she would have had a reason, something that wouldn’t have occurred to me as a sad little 6 year old girl.

Or maybe not.

But maybe I could have told her how it made me feel, how sad I was, how long I had held onto being mad about her taking it from me…

Honesty nearly always changes everything doesn’t it??

Families are funny that way. We never really appreciate the good bits as much as we should because the bad can get in the way. I have been blessed to have the family I have, all of them, I am thankful for all the love, the laughter the joy and the tears. For the learning, the teaching, good and bad.

No one ever has a perfect family…you take the good with the bad and make the most of what you get. The awesome thing with my family is that we have always, no matter what, been able to laugh our way through pretty much anything.

I am thankful for that every single day of my life.

Who says dysfunctional isn’t a good thing?

I’ve been thinking…

Mostly that is dangerous, sometimes though, once and a while. Maybe not. As you surely all know, my house has been on the market since last summer. As you also all know, it hasn’t sold yet.

I am a true believer in everything happening as it should happen, at this point in my life I don’t question the Universe or how things work out. I know they are always the way they should be.

This morning my friend Lou posted a blog, where she explained having a uh-huh moment. One where suddenly things become clear to you, in an instant. It got me thinking…and then…

I had one too.

I was looking online this morning at MLS and houses in Maple Ridge. I have been torn between renting and buying again. There is absolutely no way I can afford to buy anything in Vancouver.

I also started thinking, I want a simpler life. I don’t want to have to work 60 hours a week to pay my mortgage or my rent, I don’t want to spend and hour in rush hour everyday to get to work and back.

It then occurred to me that, maybe, just maybe I am not ready for city life full time, and I also have reservations about doing that to my son, who has always been in a small friendly town.

So all along, I have been the one holding it all back…me.

I was puttering around my yard, when it occurred to me that as much as it seemed like a great idea almost a year ago, I have had reservations about it. I thought about moving back to my hometown at first and then put the idea out of my head, even though if felt right to me.

As I was sitting out in my yard earlier this morning it just kind of smacked me in the head. Why wouldn’t I move back there? There is one obvious, being that William lives in Vancouver. I think we could really make it work with me in Gibsons, his Dad lives there too, and we need to spend more time with him, actually his Dad lives about a five minute drive from my parents :) It is only a half hour ferry ride, rather than a two hour one, and about an hour drive from Bill’s to the ferry, no drive on the other side, and you only have to pay ONE WAY. After what we have been doing for the last year, it is easy.

I am not sure where I would live, whether I would rent or eventually buy there, but I feel safe thinking about it. I didn’t really feel that when I thought about living in Vancouver. It is totally possible that I can find something there that will be affordable to me, so I can still have a job like the one I have now, and have time to do all the things I love instead of working all the time.

It wouldn’t have to be forever, but for now, it might be the right thing. Colton would be in a school that is maybe even a little smaller than the one he is in now, it is a town I know and have lived in for a lot of my life. The people I love are all close. My parents being close when I move Colton, will have a big impact on how he deals with it, I think. I have not talked to him about this yet. I know he doesn’t want to move at all, but it would be a good life there, I could have Hannah over too, even without her Dad :)

It is funny, since I have had my little epiphany, I have had three cars drive by, and stop to look at my house. It might just be a long weekend thing, I suppose. Or maybe not. It doesn’t really matter I guess, if I am making the right decision it will sell. I am removing all the blockages that I have had in my mind up until today.

So as I sit on my porch in the country, with my dog and my cat, with the hummingbirds fighting for a drink not even 10 feet from where I sit, with the neighbour’s kids playing in the sprinkler and screaming at the top of their lungs (because it is May, and even though it is a nice day, I imagine it’s cold) with the stellar jays squawking at us, for no apparent reason…

I think maybe this is the life I still want, maybe the big city isn’t ready for me yet. I can have the life I want…one that I am free to do all the things I have ever imagined doing, with the man I want to spend the rest of it with. I just think maybe my plan wasn’t all figured out yet, maybe it still isn’t, but my soul feels at peace when I think about it. I know myself well enough to know, that in my life, that is the cue to me that maybe the decision I thought was the right one, isn’t necessarily the path I am supposed to be on.

My parents don’t know I am thinking about this either, actually no one does but William. I am just putting it out there, to see how it feels.

So far, today, right now, this second. It feels good, and right and happy. I almost feel relieved, and more than I have for a long time, I feel safe.

Safe with knowing, that I am making a really big change in both of our lives, and that I am doing it for all the right reasons…and it will work for all of us, to make our lives richer being with our families, our parents and each other. It might not be conventional, but that has never seemed to work for me anyways, so maybe I need to just go with my gut this time and do what makes me feel the way I do right now.

Thanks Lou…for making me think, for being brave and strong in your own growing and learning to nurture and love yourself, for being a new friend that I am truly glad to have found.

Thanks William, for loving me, no matter what I do, or what incredibly insane path I take, I know you are there beside me, for the duration…I love you beyond words for that…

Thanks to the Universe, for just letting me be here…what an amazing gift.

A stinky, rude, bullying old man…

That is what I want to come back as in my next life, because apparently then…you can do whatever the hell you want.

You get to the front of the line whether it is your turn or someone elses.

Let me start at the beginning.

My truck insurance runs out tonight at midnight, so after work I go to Superstore to renew it. The line up wasn’t too bad. There were two couples in front of me. So I stand in line and wait my turn. Normal right? To wait your turn?

Remember this, it’s important later on.

I have been waiting about 10 minutes, and then this old man walks in, I can tell by his reaction he is annoyed that he is not going to be able to walk right up to the counter and get waited on IMMEDIATELY.

So instead of getting in line behind me which is what normal people do. He stands beside me. His body language is totally telling me, that I am not going to be the one going first.

He actions get more impatient as we wait, he will NOT make eye contact with me and holy god, he smells like oldmannotshoweringforamonth…

I don’t care. You still need to wait your turn.

Other people show up, and get in line behind me. I smile at them, I appreciate that they have a fucking manner.

So finally about 10 minutes after the impatient old man gets there, the first couple is finally finished. I have been standing in line for about 20 minutes now.

The old man looks at me and says in an obnoxiously loud voice, that he is just going to ask her a question, “that’s ok right?” he says to me. I look at him incredulously. The girls behind the counter look at each other, the couple behind me look at each other and then me. I am not amused.

What else can I say to the guy? I say “whatever, go ahead.” It is more than obvious I am totally annoyed. He asks his question, which has now taken 5 more minutes for her to answer. He has no insurance. “I am just going to pay her for this, that’s ok right?”

By now, I am more than pissed. I am sure my face was bright red I was so mad. But I don’t say a word. I just looked away.

Now this was where I think the girl at the counter should have said something. Actually if it had been me serving, I would never have let him butt in in the first place.

It was totally obvious that I was just off of work, if I had been looking at the situation from her point of view, especially since she KNEW I was there 10 minutes before him, I would have just said to the guy, “she was here first, and I bet she has had a long day…why don’t we just let her go and then I will answer your question.”

That unfortunately is the difference between me, and half the world. I am not bragging or being full of myself in anyway. But I don’t usually let people bully other people. Especially when I can control the situation. She had control then, and chose to do nothing. She let him be a bully.

I was tired, and hungry…incredulous absolutely, but I wasn’t going to make an ass out of myself at that specific moment trying to stick up for myself. I was so mad, I would have said something that I would have regretted, so I chose to keep my mouth shut.

I don’t know if it is the situation that made me furious, or the fact that I didn’t stand up for myself. Probably the latter.

The fact that I had just worked for 8 hours, gone grocery shopping, had not eaten since lunch and still had to go home and feed my kid and put all my groceries away was not obvious to the old man I am sure. I wouldn’t expect him to know that, or even to care.

But how is his time more important than mine? Why should he get to push me out of the way because he just didn’t want to wait? How totally unthoughtful is that? Don’t we have even a little bit of compassion for other people left in this world? Even if it is just something as simple as waiting our turn in line and not being rude to people that we don’t even know?

I  mean if you treat strangers that way, how do you treat your family? How do you talk to the people that you love? How do you make it through life without someone knocking your obnoxious ass OUT?

Now if you are a stinky, rude, bullying old man…don’t email me, bitching about this blog. On here, I will NOT put up with your shit, nor do I want to hear your side of the story.

As far as I am concerned, rudeness has no excuse…neither does not having any manners.

You know better, shame on you.

I am sure the old bugger felt like he was WINNING when he walked out the door ahead of me.

Dude, if that’s all you have to live for, then not only am I sad for you, but I will even just let you have that one…

Just don’t ever come into where I work and try it. You will not win. It will not happen. I won’t let you bully my people, or be rude for no reason.

The world needs more compassion, and apparently I will have to give twice as much to make up for you.

I am ok with that. It is a job I can handle…and really, you should just consider yourself lucky that my filter worked today, it doesn’t happen very often. I am not one to back down or handle someone gently if they are rude.

That was a one time thing dude…just saying.

I won’t be reliable…

For the next two days

I won’t listen to your problems, and tell you it’s ok

I won’t make you feel better

I won’t be the one that smooths the waters

They will have to be rough…without me

I won’t be your go between, your mother, your lover or your friend

I don’t care what you feel, what you think or what is wrong

You are on your own

My shoulders aren’t that wide

I need time to myself

To figure out my own problems

Not that you would know

The one way street, is now a no through road

At least for the next two days

I will be greedy

Self serving

Will think of no one but myself

All of you will go on without me

I will be here in my cave

Alone

Regrouping

Regaining my strength and self worth

Don’t call me, I won’t answer

I am here, and ok

You can’t help me through it

I’ll be back in two days, nearly as good as new

But just for now, it’s not about you.

 

The big finale…

I have made a decision. I am to be done with the saddness, the hurt, the loss, the betrayal.

It is time for me to move on. I have grieved the loss of us as best friends for going on five years now.

The time has come to let it completely go. I have said before that I have already done that, but in reality I have not.

I don’t want the anger anymore, I don’t want to not trust others because of what you have done.

I have some things to say before I go forever, and never look back again.

I won’t forget the good times we had, the tears we cried, the boys we left in the dust, the things we lived through together and the fun we had.

Nor will I forget how you took all of that and threw it away like it meant nothing to you. I forgive you for it, that is all.

I have many days felt guilt…I made a promise to your mother on her death bed to always watch over you, and make sure you were safe and loved.

I am over that guilt. If she is up there looking down on us, she knows that I tried my best.

She will be disappointed with you, not me.

I know she loved me for me, not because of you. That gives me strength to know I am going to be ok, without you in my life.

I know I will never replace our friendship. Nor do I try.

I have love beyond anything I have ever hoped for in my life now, without you, and I am really good with that.

It is time for me to move on, soon will come a day, when I move from this town, the one you moved to… to be near me, to have a life with me and to share everything all the time. I still am not sure why it all went so wrong, how you decided I wasn’t someone you wanted as a friend, was my honesty too much for you? Was the fact that I didn’t do what you wanted me to do and you had no control over my actions all you needed to walk away like we had known each other for 10 minutes instead of most of our lives?

This is what has held me back from moving on, the not knowing, the wondering, the self doubt I have thanks to you. I know I made the right choice for me. I am not living my life for you or anyone else, in order to be healthy and happy I did what I had to do.

I know that you, in your life right now… have none of those things, I am sorry for you. You reap what you sow. You can’t control the world no matter how much you think you should.

So I look forward to the day, when I don’t walk down the street, or go grocery shopping and wonder if I will run into you. If I will have to look away like I don’t see you, so you don’t see the hurt in my eyes…so you don’t see me try not to cry or keep the feelings from my face as I pretend you aren’t there.

It will happen, I am close now. It has taken me a long time to come this far, everyday I am a little bit closer to totally being over us.

The only problem is, it doesn’t make me any less sad to know that I am.

Get it out…before I kill you…

Yes, I said those words out loud, to my doctor, twenty years ago tonight…I didn’t have the baby until the next afternoon.

Can you even imagine what he was thinking as he was delivering my child?? Wow…winner here, poor kid.

But in my own defense…I was a week overdue…165 lbs, yes that was from the starting point of 95lbs…

I was in labour for THREE days…one and a half of that hard…and he still wouldn’t come out.

Breaking my water didn’t work…talking to me nicely didn’t work, me freaking out didn’t work. He liked it in there, and he wasn’t leaving.

They ended up pulling him out with forceps…now I recommend giving birth any other way…it was AWFUL. But he finally entered our world, pink, screaming…with a pointed head.

From the forceps, it’s better now…

Tomorrow is his 20th birthday.

Was it really that long ago? Have we really have come that far? There are days I wonder how we made it, and days I wonder where the time went. Did we really just live through twenty years in what seems like 5 minutes.

I am a lucky Princess, I have amazing kids. All three of them. I don’t see my stepson Zachary much with us living on the Island and him on the Mainland, but hopefully that will change once we move closer.

Dylan is a great kid…

He is kind, thoughtful, loving, funny, respectful and really fun to be with. He has grown up with all the traits of my Dad and my brother, which I am thankful for everyday. There are days I see his father, and many when I see his older brother Zac.

He is a combination of all of the men in my life, in one.

And a little bit of me…

He has my zest for life, he is loud, he is sarcastic.

And he falls in love, head over heels…and wants it back just as strong. We are passionate, and won’t settle for less.

I think that is good, but it will make his life hard. Love can suck…

He is working on the tugboats right now, he has been out, for I think about 2 weeks straight. It makes me stop and think.

About our past, our life since we moved to Campbell River.

My ex… Adam works on the tugs, and the absence of a man that you love because he is out on the water for weeks at a time is a feeling I am all too familiar with.

It is a life that is hard to embrace. For many years, I was ok with it. I made it work. It is hard on a family to have one person gone all the time, and then home briefly, not ever long enough to do everything you want to in the time you have together.

Adam was amazing with both of my children, I met him when they were both small, Colton was 3 and Dylan was 7. He pretty much raised them as his own, and is still a part of their lives. For that I am grateful everyday. Whether he knows that or not.

But sometimes life doesn’t go how you plan it, my loneliness took over, and eventually after much soul searching, counselling  and finally a hard decision, I left the relationship. It took the whole family a long time to get over the break.

I have to admit there are still days I wish it could have been different.

But it would never have changed, and I just couldn’t wake up when I was 50, alone and waiting for a man that was never going to come home off of the water to me…

My kids were grown, but it was still hard for them.

I haven’t always made the best decisions as a parent, but I have tried my hardest.

I never want them to live in a situation that is misery. It is better to be apart and alone, than in a situtation that is sad.

I hope I have taught them at least that.

I hope I haven’t taught them to run.

Through our lives together, I have always made them understand that happy and love is the most important thing.

Even if I haven’t always been able to keep it…

I want them to know that family rules over everything else…nothing in this life is as important…

Not work, not money, not stuff…

It’s love…

And I hope that they all know how much I love them.

How grateful I am to have them as my children, how blessed we all are to have the crazy, amazing, dysfunctional family that we have.

Just don’t tell them, that their birthdays make me cry…

That every year that passes, I  know that one by one, they will go out into the world and make a life for themselves, where I can’t protect them from the bad stuff, or make them tell me where they are every minute of the day…

I know they have to go…

I am just not ready.

It has only been five mintues…not twenty years.

Happy Birthday baby boy…I love you so much more than I ever thought possible, and I can’t imagine life without your humor and love…

Peace ♥ Out…