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Dear Menopause…we need to talk.

by Redneckprincess

**Disclaimer ~ If you are a man, or a really young woman, or someone that doesn’t want to hear me say fuck more than once, you might just want to skip this post. I don’t wanna scare the hell out of anyone, you have been warned…

I. have. every. one. of. these. symptoms.

FUCK.

I found this list at 34 Menopause symptoms.com  and ya, they have a website…

1. Hot Flashes, Flushes and/or Cold Flashes

Ok…see  number 2. for this one I thankfully don’t have these yet, well not very often, maybe once or twice, dammit.

2. Night Sweats

Oh. MY. God….I hate them…

3. Irregular Periods, Menstrual Irregularities

On time? So you know when to expect it? Yes my whole freaking life, until about three months ago, now hardly ever, well unless Bill is coming to visit then sure as hell I get it…sure as HELL….

4. Loss of Libido

Well I only get to have sex once a month with the above shit going on with a boyfriend living 300 miles away, so whatever, how the hell would I even know?

5. Vaginal Dryness

I can’t believe people even TALK about this…no comment…

6. Mood Swings, Sudden Tears

The fact they even said tears made me cry, no shit…

7. Fatigue

Never been so tired in my life…not even kidding here, by 7pm I am literally done in.

8. Hair Loss or Thinning, Head, Pubic, or Whole Body

Well no…I don’t think, I mean…oh nevermind…

9. Increase in Facial Hair (I gave this it’s own number, just because I felt it needed to be talked about…ha!!!)

Well there is a hair or two that keeps coming back that I could certainly live without…

10.  Menopause Sleep Disorders (With or Without Night
Sweats)

I am exhausted but throw myself around all night, that counts right?

11. Difficulty Concentrating, Disorientation, Mental Confusion

What the hell am I doing here?? Where is here? And who the HELL are all of you?????

12. Disturbing Memory Lapses

YES…bizarre shit that there is no chance I should forget. I always remember eventually but what the hell?

13. Dizziness, Light Headedness, Episodes of Loss of Balance

YES…

14. Weight Gain during Menopause

Assholes…

15. Incontinence, especially upon Sneezing, Laughing, Urge Incontinence

Luckily I haven’t come across this one yet, ok I lied I don’t have them all, but I can make my Mom pee when I make her laugh too hard :) that has to count for something!!!

16. Sudden Bouts of Bloat

I seriously had this on Wednesday…who knew it was menopause, I thought I had the flu or something…even though I am not even really sure what it is, I had it…I DID!!!!!!!!!!

17. Increase in Allergies

I have far more allergic reactions to peoples bullshit than I ever had before…so yes.

18. Changes in Fingernails-Softer, Crack or Break Easier

Yes they do…that is why I have none. I mean I have them, they are just really short…

19. Changes in Body Odor

Probably so, I thought it was just summer, but I could be wrong, so I went an bought new deodorant just in case.

20. Bouts of Rapid Heart Beat

Show me a picture of Keith Urban, happens every. single. time.

21. Depression

There are days, but I try and muddle through it…

22. Anxiety, Feeling Ill at Ease

Yep, which is weird for me, cause I am usually not like that at all.

23. Irritability

Assholes.

So yes.

24. Panic Disorder, Feelings of Dread, Apprehension, Doom

After I read this list you are fucking right I do…

25. Breast Pain

Ya, like when I was nursing. Who knew and why doesn’t anyone tell you this shit?

26. Headaches during Menopause

Ya, and I get enough of them already, but they are weird ones. Like just barely there but never really gone. Sucky.

27. Aching, Sore Joints, Muscles and Tendons

Every single bone in my body. Alot of the time…

28. Burning Tongue, Burning Roof of Mouth, Bad Taste in
Mouth, Change in Breath Odor

Absolutely, brushing my teeth 3 times a day is not enough to get rid of the bizarre taste in my mouth, what the HELL is that all about?

29. Electric Shock Sensation Under the Skin And In The Head

YESSSSSSSSSSSSS…that explains some shit…

30. Digestive Problems, Gastrointestinal Distress,
Indigestion, Flatulence, Gas Pain, Nausea

Hahahahahahahahahah, not even gonna need to comment here, am I?

31. Gum Problems, Increased Bleeding

Yes…teeth hurt, no bleeding though…that would suck.

32. Increased Tension in Muscles

Ya, but I probably just need a killer total body massage…just saying.

33. Itchy, Crawly Skin

When I am sleeping badly like everynight, I will wake up feeling like this…gah.

34. Tingling Extremities

My toes…my toes…

35. Osteoporosis (After Several Years)

Well there is something optimistic to look forward to now isn’t there…

So after reading said list, I am not sure if I feel worse or better. I mean how many years of this shit are we supposed to endure without there being some kind of a body trail?

I am 46, nearly 47…do the math. If it is supposed to keep up til we are 51…

THAT IS FIVE MORE YEARS…

Sometimes, I wish I was a boy.

Not very often, lets get that straight right now. But right this minute after reading this shitty list…yes I do.

Boys suck.

They never have to do any of the hard stuff.

Putting up with us should be freaking easy. Seriously, if you are gonna think about bitching about our menopause boys, you should probably think twice, I am sure there are statistics out there that I can dig up…

Have a wonderful fucking day all…

Posted on Tue August 9, 2011 at 1:00 am in Lifestyle, Postaday-2011, postaday2011, Postaweek2011, Randomblog2011, Self esteem   |  RSS feed |   Respond   |   Trackback URL

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47 Comments to “Dear Menopause…we need to talk.”

    
  1. notesfromrumbleycottage
    Wed October 19, 2011 at 1:14 pm

    I should have never looked at this list. I am there. The toes, the tingling, bloating, irritable, the exhaustion. Maybe it is time to bring on the alcohol.

    Reply
  2. Miriam Hughes
    Tue August 30, 2011 at 1:50 am

    Donna there are natural products you can try…might be worth givng them a go. I had a hysterctomy at 42 and at 45 and a bit have very few symptoms…hot flush now and then…we shall see. I saw Ms Whiplash’s comment that she had no symptoms so I am hoping…believe me I don’t need anything else to make me bitchy LOL I am a bit brain foggy I must admit…and forgetful…and a bit bloaty and farty…but I think that is too much bread and I have always been farty LOL.

    You don’t have to suck this up btw…if your doc is not helpful do think about a naturopath…can’t hurt and it might help :)

    mim

    Reply
  3. ~MJ~
    Sun August 14, 2011 at 10:40 am

    LOL You had me dying over here. I have been only too familiar with a good portion of this list from when I was 30 – yes, three zero. Not. Fun. I tried living with some of the symptoms for three years– thankfully, the doc took me out of my misery and allowed me to experience the full powers of menopause. I think the worse part of it all was my mother could have warned me SHE hit menopause at an early age so that I could be on the look out for these symptoms. I mean, here I thought I was going insane when it was all part of a gift received from my genes. Oh boy! Thanks for the laughter but I send you condolences to the windy, bumpy, twisty road you are currently on. I think you should take the next exit and hit the beach. :)

    Reply
  4. William
    Fri August 12, 2011 at 8:34 am

    Her guy is not staying 300 miles away because of anything on this list.
    As Donna has said in the past if you can’t take her at her worse then you certainly do not deserve her at her best.

    Reply
  5. HoaiPhai
    Wed August 10, 2011 at 7:30 am

    Hey, wait a minute! This is just the shotgun approach to self-diagnosis! I have a bunch of these symptoms and I have a Y chromosome! Just about anyone over forty will identify with this list. Have you ever asked yourself if maybe you having some of these symptoms might have something to do with your guy staying 300 miles away? Maybe it’s a matter of self-protection on his part! Seriously, hope you feel better soon. Try eating tofu… my wife seems to think it helps.

    Reply
  6. Team Oyeniyi
    Wed August 10, 2011 at 2:57 am

    I have to say, I’ve been very lucky. At 56 I’ve got a couple of persistent facial hairs (well, more than a couple, but let’s keep that between us). I get the damn bloating, but at least it isn’t painful.

    I’ve really had a dream run. A co-worker was like you, had everything. Tried HRT and she found that worse that the condition!

    I hope you get through it without too many more problems.

    Reply
  7. Spiff
    Tue August 9, 2011 at 4:11 pm

    Five years? And to think Archie Bunker was only going to give Edith 30 seconds. “Edith if you’re gonna have the change of life you gotta do it right now! I’m gonna give you thirty seconds. Now come on, change!”

    Oh joy! Can’t wait for the fun to begin!

    Reply
  8. Dave "Noobcake" Farmer
    Tue August 9, 2011 at 2:38 pm

    My face hurts! Please stop making me laugh! As a man I can’t hope to imagine having any of those to deal with, I’d offer my sympathies but I’m not sure I want to suffer any kind of wrath based on what I’ve just read. Men – be scared!

    Reply
  9. spilledinkguy
    Tue August 9, 2011 at 2:12 pm

    I feel a bit nervous about being in this comment section *backing up slowly*
    might I just say I really like your cutest thing ever photos, RNP?
    *still backing up*
    Yeah… guys are… the worst…
    :)

    Reply
  10. jsh0608
    Tue August 9, 2011 at 1:22 pm

    I get a lot of these symptoms…but not because of menopause…well I don’t think so. I have PCOS and I don’t have estrogen or progestrone, the one that makes you have a period…yeah I don’t have that…which is why not baby yet. :0( so I get a lot of the above. Not fun. But I love your answers to the above symptoms…especially #20. Hehe :0)

    Reply
  11. Debbie Morgan (@ShopDeltaLabs)
    Tue August 9, 2011 at 1:18 pm

    This is what everyone thinks, but no one actually says!!

    Reply
  12. sunshine and chaos
    Tue August 9, 2011 at 11:12 am

    Bitchy, brain-foggy, dizzy, gassy, overheated, pissy, and weepy, My main seven symptoms of hurtling to menopause.

    And your reward for being born a male? Moody me comes to the surface on the days when I ask a simple, straightforward question that requires either a yes or no as an answer. And you ramble on as though those two words are just not part of your vocabulary. (Not that that happened to me TWICE last week. With the SAME person.)

    Congratulations boys! Some of you show in spades why you are so justly rewarded.

    Thanks for the laugh. It’s always good to know we’re not alone.

    Maureen

    And can someone explain to me why “pissy” wasn’t in the dictionary, but “piss” was? Seriously, who creates these dictionaries?

    No, not moody at all lately.

    Reply
  13. Sandi Ormsby
    Tue August 9, 2011 at 11:03 am

    okay, I must be entering this too…I thought the big M was a 1 time thing- like a crazy day or week…but then my mom informed me it can take years and it’s hereditary for our family to start the cycle early. WTF? So, I’ve had a couple of hot flashes (early in life) those are crazy. Haven’t had one for about 6 months. After my first kid, kegels never really worked and I’ve gotten used to wearing panty shields regularly. Which brings me to… I SWEAR after turning 40, I finally understand why Summer’s Eve Feminine Deodorant Spray exits. After turning 40, I feel like I stink all the time. Deoderant under pits, boobs, and yes there! I haven’t slept straight through a night restfully since having kids…so I can’t really determine what that is all about…One thing I can count on- my monthly is RIGHT ON SCHEDULE…regular/regular/regular every 28 days. SO, that will really piss me off when that goes. Wow, I do get the tingling thing occasionally, but just thought I was sitting strangely and pinching a nerve. AND just yesterday, I got lighthead sitting down on the toilet and when I stood..it was such an odd feeling. MY BOOBS KILL ME a week before my monthly! More than they ever did. shit.

    Sandi

    Reply
  14. granny1947
    Tue August 9, 2011 at 8:25 am

    Oh my goodness…one of your funniest posts.
    I love it.
    Now for the bad news.
    I don’t think it EVER ends!!!!!
    Oh yes…and the solitary hair goes with the territiory.

    Reply
  15. hortophile
    Tue August 9, 2011 at 7:23 am

    Mmmmmm, hot flashes…finally I’m warm!

    Reply
  16. mairedubhtx
    Tue August 9, 2011 at 6:57 am

    You’re probably in peri-menopause. I went through it about age 42 (our family goes through early menopause–my sister started at 39!). I had terrible hot flashes and night sweats, along with some other symptoms. It’s a bitch.

    Reply
  17. truthwithdoris
    Tue August 9, 2011 at 6:43 am

    First – *hugs*

    Title made me laugh.

    But even that I’m in 20s, I understand so many of this stuff, because I have problem with hormones/thyroid gland, and I get many of this things, PLUS-since I’m on therapy for eye it’s worse.

    Reply
  18. Megan
    Tue August 9, 2011 at 5:40 am

    Now I’m freaked out!!! I’m 33 and seem to have a good number of these symptoms too! Grrr!!!!! It’s probably just a coincidence, but I have jokingly wondered if I was experiencing early onset menopause on occasion…not the most pleasant thought to contemplate. Boys do suck! They have not a clue. The tears, the aches, the irregularity, the sleep, hot flashes… Ya, I got ‘em. Perhaps I should just chalk it up to being an emotional, out of shape, sleep deprived individual who never knows when the hell her period is gonna come. Is it hot in here?!? Oh and I just had to buy new deodorant too… here’s hoping it works damn it. :(

    xoxo my dear, being a woman is a fabulous thing, isn’t it?!

    Reply
  19. Torrie
    Tue August 9, 2011 at 3:46 am

    That is just too funny Donna! Yes it does suck royally, but unfortunately we have to go through it. I will be 50 next year and just started going through this stuff. Uggg! I also agree that guys suck when it comes to this because they just don’t understand when we get irritable, weepy, sleepy( then get more sleep he says..I could sleep my life away some days); headaches..let me tell ya; not fun, Anyways, had to comment as I could not stop laughing. All I can say is welcome to my world….and many others.lol.

    Reply
  20. barb19
    Tue August 9, 2011 at 2:58 am

    Been there, done it! It’s not as bad as it sounds Donna, honest!
    You gave me a good laugh though!

    Reply
  21. misswhiplash
    Tue August 9, 2011 at 2:11 am

    Oh Dear RNP.. you are having a bad day!

    If your symptoms are genuine( I mean definitely related to MPT) then I think you should go to your doc. Some of them are sympathetic and will give you medication to relieve most if not all.

    Fortunately I had a hysterectomy many years ago and so the menopause had not effect what so ever but I genuinely do feel so sorry for you that you are suffering in this way.
    Men do get away so easily in this life…maybe they get their comuppance in the hereafter.

    Reply
  22. Patti Kuche
    Tue August 9, 2011 at 1:56 am

    This list is way too long and I am only reading it now because I should be sleeping (ref #10). Hope you have a better day now that you have managed to get this off your chest.

    Does Keith Urban really do that much to you???

    Reply
  23. Surrey gal
    Tue August 9, 2011 at 1:08 am

    Good points about menopause – no more babies :P
    Is it wrong to say that I enjoyed reading this post? Not because I wish you a menopause, but because of the way you wrote it :)

    Reply
    

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