No matter what I say or how much I type it…
I am still not doing it.
I think today, I have kind of accepted the fact that maybe, just maybe I might be here for a while.
I have said from the beginning, when I made the decision to sell my house, if I wasn’t gone before the end of summer this year, I would have to stay here. It wouldn’t be fair to Colton for me to move him the last part of his schooling. I really thought I would be gone by now. I am not.
I am just WAITING for everything to happen. When the reality, is it might not, at least not the way I expect it.
So from right now, today, this minute…I am living for right now.
I live in Campbell River, I have no plans past that as of today. When I sell my house, I will decide where I am going, if anywhere.
Right now I find myself growing and doing some much needed self re-evaluation. Everyday. I become stronger and more sure of who I am, what I want and what I can accomplish.
I am learning patience, which I have never had in my life. I have always just jumped headlong into everything in life, sometimes that is a good thing, but not always. I have learned from all my crazy adventures, but right now life and the Universe is telling me to take it slow, think things through all the way. I have to do what is best for my kids right now, not just what is best for me. The Universe is making me wait, telling me that it’s not all about me, it’s about us as a family.
A friend of mine asked me the other day, “what do you really want?”
I thought about it…and you know what? I don’t know.
I want to be closer to my family, to William, to Hannah…but do I do that at the expense of my son? How much will it affect him to take him out of his school, from friends he has had all his life, and throw him into the last two years of his teenagehood with no one he knows?
Will he live through it? Of course he will. Will it affect him forever? Maybe.
I am not sure that is a risk I should take anymore.
A year ago when I first decided this was what I was going to do, it was different, it gave him three years to be in a different environment. Now I am just not sure that it is going to be what’s best. The year passed in a flash…as will the next two. It isn’t that long to wait. To move on with my life, when he is done school.
Once again, I can’t predict what is going to happen.
So I have decided I will no longer have any plan. I will take everyday for what it is. I will live my life to the fullest just the way it is now. I will love with all my heart.
I will give my boss a heart attack and tell her that maybe her wish has come true, and she is stuck with me for a few more years…
My Mom will be thrilled that I am not moving in with them :)
But just so you all know…I have NO plan.
Which means about a million things… anything could happen has never been more true a statement in my life, than it is right this minute…
Except this time it’s different, I have no expectations of what will come, and therefore won’t be disappointed if it doesn’t happen. I will live one day at a time and enjoy every minute of the journey that I am on, the people I will meet, the people I already know and love, however much I see them or not.
I will make a conscious effort to make my life great, with what I have been given and the blessings that already exist on a day to day basis, that sometimes I overlook, while I am too busy looking ahead.
And seriously…I will start working out. Random yes, but I am done with the muffin top and the battle is now ON bitch :) I will win, this and all other challenges that this life throws at me, and I will embrace them with both arms, living hard and loving my life, here…now…just the way it is this very second…
Happy Thursday friends…xoxo